December 5, 2008

4 Month Anniversary

Today I am trying to cope with the fact that AC died 4 months ago. Should this be called an anniversary? I certainly don't feel celebratory, but I am finally at the point where I can see it for what it is - a date that has meaning to me however dismal. I guess the 5th will always make me go back to when he died, but that is probably normal. Now if I could exchange that for the 20th, our wedding anniversary, that should mean I would make some progress...

I started the day as any other where I am alone in the house with MacGregor, my dog. He still needs to be fed and let out, he will never stop barking at cats and squirrels, the phone still rings, doors have to be answered, the usual run of the mill day. Except that my thoughts keep returning to AC's last days in the hospital, trying to rack my memory for one more picture of him that maybe I had forgotten, one more conversation we might have had, anything to fill my heart with some kind of peace. I have not been successful, but that is okay. Pictures of him in my head continue to flash like a slide show, happy times, sad times, you name it, the pictures keep coming. I had taken down all pictures of him in the house, but I am slowly returning them to their usual places. Healing must be taking place because I want to see him besides just on my nightstand where I can kiss him goodnight.

I have been so depressed and forlorn that I decided this morning to be like Cher in the movie "Moonstruck" and slap myself with a "Snap out of it!" conversation. I can choose to be sad, or get on with my life. I can't keep
walking around the house feeling sorry for myself. Laundry needs to be washed, closets cleaned out, art is screaming at me to be created. It doesn't help that my muse has left the building, but I am trying to tease her out of hiding.

My grown kids, family, and friends have been such a great support for me. They let me cry when it doesn't look like I will ever stop, given hugs, made me laugh when I thought I never would again, been there for me when I needed them in person and online, and loving me through this difficult time. I have friends that call me on the phone, mail me RAK's (Random Acts of Kindness) of artwork they made to cheer me up, what would I do without them? They have been my lifeline. I am so grateful that all of them haven't given up on me and written me off. I know I will get back to a normal schedule of painting and being online with my friends but right now it is still hard. The fact that I wanted to blog is a sign of healing, wanting to be online is a great step forward.

Yes, it's a hard time right now, but today I am in my studio working with paint and pens and paper and had a blast the last hour. My muse may be really good at hide-and-seek, but damnit, I am going to have a good time and make her jealous so she will want to create with me again.

It's a beautiful day outside even though it's only in the 40's. Who knew? *grin*


foodbankbarbie said...

Wow.. I really don't let you talk when I call, huh? You never said a word.
Now I know where Nick and I got our words from.
I love you.. If you are at least spending time in that room it's a good sign...maybe your Muse thinks baby steps are good. Maybe she's doing this for a reason. Of course, maybe she's just a bitch.


Patti said...

You have been on my mind alot the past week or so. I was on my blog and click on your link to see if you had been to your blog. I was glad to see that you had posted just today, as difficult as it must have been. I think of you often and hope that you are spending time with friends and family when you can. I only wish we lived nearer. I would come over and make you hot tea, and we would laugh, and we would cry and we would laugh some more. Be kind to yourself my friend.
Big huggs
Love and Light

Anonymous said...

Ohhhhhh lisa it is nice to hear you are going a little better but it all takes time..................Do think of you and wonder what is going on.........The baby steps are a good sign........Take care of yourself!! Hugs, monarch

WW said...

How great it is to see you connecting, if only via the blog! It's a good sign.
The greatest sign....paint!
How excited I was to hear you were into your paint.
I know that for me is was a helpful thing when I was hurting. Keep it up. You are in our thoughts!

Outstanding Stranger said...

Sweet Lisa, I remember the first time we ( met )over at one of the Atc sites, a couple of years ago now...I thought we might be related somewhere along the line. You were so sweet..your dear husband had the same name as some of my relatives...well..we weren't related but I have felt like I knew you a little after that. Time is the only thing that will help you. One day at a time. Little things that make you smile instead of cry. Memories that keep the love in your heart, forever and can never be taken away. God bless you and give you strength...Hugs, Diane

roc said...

your in my thoughts and prayers. god bless you.

barefootchef said...

So glad to see you blogging again and to know that you are back in your studio, if only for a bit. I think of you often and hope that you know you have many friends for support.

Cathy said...

you might be surprised to learn that i think of you every day, and when i do i say a little prayer for you.
i've tried to not bombard you with messages, but you are in my heart.
hugs, hugs, hugs.
now kick that muse in the butt and keep creating. let art express your heart--no matter what mood it's in at the moment!

ArteDar said...

Hi happy to see you, even if it's via Internet. I hope MacGregor is keeping up with his dance lessons momma.....he's such a sweetie. You know I'd be there with you if I could....I would never give up on you. I do have a tendency of worrying too much...kick my butt for that,OK. When my son decided to have a family he sure got a big one...a baby and three other lil' ones that need a Grammy and all kinds of stuff! I know you understand. Golly, 4 months is no time at all and I forget that time only flies by when we are having fun....the angels I sent to your side better be doing their job...sending a new group that are fresh and ready to pick you up. TONS O' LOVE
Blessings, Dar

Tracie said...

Hey gorgeous girl, Im so glad to see you venturing back into cyberland. I have missed you heaps and think about you every day. And I am even more please to hear you are on a search mission for your hiding muse! Sending you lots of angels and hugs.
Love ya, Tra

Related Posts with Thumbnails