Ah... Back In The Studio At Last...

I am back in the studio painting and it feels like old home week. I am working on stuff without a real purpose but it feels good to get back into splashing paint around again.

There are a couple of folks that have helped me get my but-tocks back to painting:

My daughter, Shannon, has been part of my inspiration.

Her blog: http://foodbankbarbie.blogspot.com/ is about her working at a food bank in Georgia and how good it feels to serve/help people every day that really need the help. How does that inspire one in their art? She has been through an awful lot in her thirty-something years, much more than I could ever imagine in my own life. I talk to her nearly every day and each conversation has joking and laughing about her day or mine. Her sense of humor is a treasure and her attitude is inspiring. She is good at helping me see that I can get through the day if I maintain a sense of humor.

My son, Nick, has been helpful, resourceful, and also helps me laugh at the silly or aggravating things that happen in our daily lives.

When I bitched and moaned about how hard it is to cook
for just one person, he replied "you never cooked when AC was alive, what made you think that would change now??? I thought you only dusted your stove?" Damn. Truth hurts, doesn't it? I laughed. He came and spent a couple of weeks with me on and off helping me with chores around the house and yard. Did we get everything done on my list? No. Did he make me laugh and help me learn to wake up with a smile on my face instead of a frown of dread? Yes, for that I am so grateful.

My family has called me and have shown how much they cared for me, and helped me by talking about AC when others seem to have such a hard time sharing with me. Parents, siblings, neices and nephews, all wanting to make sure that I am okay and make sure I don't need anything. Constant communication is so important. I say that out loud so I can hear it myself and learn from this. I am the world's worst, I tend to hibernate anyway, so it is easy for me to coop myself up in the house and find chores to do without another thought when I should probably be more social. I guess I just don't know what to say - that I am fine and am still hurting gets old and I assume that folks don't want to hear it. I am still a work in progress, I guess.

My friends, Karen and Trevor, have taken me out to dinner and helped me celebrate AC's birthday (much easier with friends!), Tommy picked me up several times so I would go to church which was hard because I didn't want to see or sit in the pew where AC always sat while I was up in the choir loft. Liz has been faithful in calling me and emailing to see how I am doing. Jana calls and offers to help any way she can. Trevor is helping me pack up AC's clothes to take to Goodwill and a consignment store which is a huge burden that I have been worrying about for weeks. In one afternoon we packed until we got through all the clothes and now just need to get them loaded and delivered. Whew. What a relief. Trust me when I tell you that AC had a ton of clothes, they were in every closet in the house. We finally figured out that he must have been a "sleep-shopper". That man always looked good, for sure. The fact that they are willing to do whatever needs to be done is an inspiration to me that I can get through this pain because of their willingness to help me out in times like these. I would hope that everyone has friends that are there for you as they have been for me. I am blessed.

Fr. Fred has been through all the hard times while AC and I were at the hospital, communicating with me every day, not just once a week, but every day we were there, relaying messages, helping me with the really hard funeral decisions and willingness to discuss hard subject matters that were eating me alive. He has not been afraid to ask me pointed questions and give sound advice with humor and nudge me back into my art. Church and my faith are very important to me, and the hugs and support my church family have given me have really helped me get through this awful time.

The staff and members of my online sites have been willing to let me take time off and grieve, but have been so open and warm when I pop my head in to find out how things are going and catch up on projects and discussions. I have already mentioned the RAK's in my previous posts, but I can't stress enough how important it is to receive mail in the form of cards and notes and gifts of art. I received a package from Dana that was huge with several presents to open, one a week until New Years. How cool and thoughtful is that? My friends leave messages on my blog, email me, and call to see how I am doing. They really helped me get to this point of feeling like I am going to be okay. I hope I can pass this on to others in need knowing how it makes me feel to open a card or gift that was hand made and know that it came from their heart. None of them had to call or mail me things, but they did, and I am so grateful.

These are just some of the people in my life that have helped me through the grief process and get me to where I am today - back in my studio. I still cry every single night, and sometimes during the day when a little thing will bring a memory with such clarity that it is hard to look around and realize he is gone. But I have spent this whole week with a paint brush or pen in my hand seeking to say something in my art. Most of it has been trashed because my technique is pretty bad right now, but I know that all I have to do is think of my family and friends and the ways they have shown that they care for me, and I know I will be all right. I will get through this, one day at a time, with them beside me.